He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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