my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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