he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
