It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
