i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
