I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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