I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
