i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
