There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
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