dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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