halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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