this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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