I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
