She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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