Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
