apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
