covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
The Olympian is in my bed
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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