Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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