somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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