well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
