i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
