I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Im part way to drunk.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
