I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
