I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
