I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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