I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
