I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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