We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
