seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Just high enough for therapy.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
