I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You took a bar mat shot.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
