Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
