Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
