Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
