last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
