just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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