we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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