Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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