I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
