I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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