Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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