Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
