Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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