i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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