I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
