This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
