Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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