i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
