I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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