why didn't you poke me back
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Ketchup is God's man juice
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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