Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
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